Adam Cohen-Aslatei Podcast Transcript
Adam Cohen-Aslatei joins host Brian Thomas on The Digital Executive Podcast.
Brian Thomas: Welcome to The Digital Executive. Today’s guest is Adam Cohen-Aslatei. Adam Cohen-Aslatei is the CEO of Three Day Rule, one of the top matchmaking and relationship wellness companies in the US. He’s also the founder of S’more, the world’s first anti-superficial dating app, which he successfully grew and sold to Tawkify, a leading matchmaking service, in 2023.
With over 17 years of experience in the dating and mobile industries, Adam has held leadership roles at prominent companies including The Meet Group, Zoosk, Tawkify, and Bumble. Originally from Canada, Adam Cohen-Aslatei now splits his time between Miami, Newport Beach, and New York City, where he resides with his partner.
He is a venture partner at the Venture Collective. His experience has earned him appearances on TV shows and coverage in major media outlets such as The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, The Washington Post, NBC, CBS, and ABC. Well, good afternoon, Adam. Welcome to the show.
Adam Cohen-Aslatei: Thanks for having me.
Brian Thomas: Absolutely, my friend.
I appreciate it. Traversing one time zone, you’re calling out of Miami today. I’m in Kansas City, so I appreciate that. Let’s just jump right in, Adam. You’ve spent 17 years inside the dating and mobile industries, leading teams at Bumble, Zoosk, The Meet Group, and Tawkify, running Chappy before its Blackstone acquisition, founding and selling your own app, S’more, and now leading 3 Day Rule.
What first pulled you into this dating world, and how did all those chapters lead you into running one of the country’s top matchmaking companies?
Adam Cohen-Aslatei: That’s quite an introduction. Thank you for that. so I’m Canadian originally, and I went to grad school when I was 22. And for me, I’m a very social person and I’m always looking to meet new people, have conversations, build relationships and friendships, and so I think it’s something that was part of my upbringing in Canada.
So when I got to grad school, what I found was that I was becoming friends with and really associating with people just in my program. And what was challenging was that there were 12 graduate schools, and this was at Harvard. There are 12 graduate campuses at Harvard, and to connect with people from the engineering school, the law school, divinity, design, I just found really challenging to find the right types of people, and I wanted to walk away from this university experience with a lot of friends and relationships and what have you.
And so I went to the provost of the graduate school and I asked, uh, for… I wrote a proposal and I said, “Hey, I wanna build a community which crosses online and offline.” And this was in 2007, so it’s before any dating app had ever existed. And so they said, “Okay, go. You know, here’s some money for your proposal.
Go figure it out.” And so myself and a couple friends from MIT, we actually built a prototype for the school, and it was essentially a website that allowed you to state your preferences, what you’re looking for, and then you can choose to match with people outside of your field of study. So you could not actually meet people within your own field of study.
You had to match outside of it. then once we found these matches for you, we hosted quarterly speed dating or speed meeting events. So while you matched online, you actually got to meet in the real world, and only at that point were the phone numbers exchanged. So the anticipation of meeting someone new was very high, and these events were highly successful.
So successful that we ended up licensing the technology to other Ivy League schools. So that’s kind of how I got into the dating and relationship space, and it’s been a whirlwind ever since.
Brian Thomas: That’s awesome. you’re kinda like… It, it’s funny. It runs in parallel. I’m sure you hear this, like, Mark Zuckerberg, right, and Facebook.
You, you’re in college and you started something, you launched it, and, and it’s being used across the, the campuses. I think it’s interesting how you engaged your users and, and it created that anticipation and made it very successful, so I appreciate the backstory. That’s awesome. So Adam, you’ve been outspoken that dating apps have failed us.
You’ve even called it the paradox of dating apps. What exactly is broken about the swipe and hope model, and why do you think so many people are more burned out and lonelier despite having more options than ever?
Adam Cohen-Aslatei: So look, I am one of f- a few executives in our industry that have spent time on the mobile app side as well as the matchmaking side.
I don’t think there’s… You’ll find someone else who has equal experience on both. And so what I’ve realized through 17 years is the promise of dating apps is just not fulfilled. If the promise had been fulfilled by dating apps, we’d all be happy, we’d all be together, we’d all be, you know, in long-term relationships, or whatever kind of relationship you’re looking for.
The problem is that the paradox of choice is something that I think the dating apps have really taken advantage of, this, transactional swipe culture, not treating humans as if we’re humans, not treating people as if we’re people with feelings. And so I think dating apps and, and some social media companies were excited about bringing people together, and I think dating apps, I think that they were excited about bringing people together, and so was social media.
We didn’t think about all of the negative consequences that could arise, such as this culture of accumulating matches, accumulating likes, accumulating engagement, spending a ton of time on app. If you think about the app industry, they wanna maximize the time you spend on an app so they can sell you more items, so that they can show you more ads, so they can make more money.
So they wanna keep you on these a- on these apps as long as you can, as long as possible. And so while, you know, there’s a trade-off that you’re making, if you’re not paying to be on these apps, then they need to make money in some way. I understand that. But the trouble with dating apps is I think it teaches you that you can filter your way into the perfect relationship, and if it’s not the perfect relationship that you envisioned, you can throw them back in the water and fish again, and there’s infinite options, infinite selections.
And I think this concept of finding the perfect person is simply incorrect. I think the best relationships are imperfect. The best people are imperfect. That’s what creates the layers. That’s what creates the onion. And for a long-term relationship, you gotta be peeling that onion for years and decades and find the imperfections and find the complications and, you know, grow together.
And I think the dating apps in large part could have solved that, but instead took a very superficial approach to focusing on eye candy, right? So if you look at all these apps, 90% of the screen size, or 90% of the screen that you see is an image, and they know that after eight images of semi-attractive people, the ninth one’s gotta be really attractive for you to continue to swipe.
So there’s definitely data and psychology behind how these apps were created. Now it’s been 13 years, and I know this is a long-winded answer, but now it’s been 13 years, and America has never been so single. 50% of American adults in this country are single, and I don’t believe 50% of American singles want to be single, uh, or 50% of American adults wanna be single.
I think they’re looking for love, and they’re saying, “These apps haven’t worked for five, six, seven years. What else is happening? What else is new?” So yes, a- dating apps had the promise of everyone’s at your fingertips, but I don’t think they fulfilled that promise of helping people enter relationships. In fact, they did the opposite.
We’re more single than we’ve ever been before, and I do think that matchmaking is the solution because, I’ll give you one more stat, is dating apps have on average a 9 to 10% success rate. Matchmaking industry-wide is a 70 to 80% success rate. So if you are looking for a long-term relationship, matchmaking will work five or six times better than a dating app.
You have to pay for it, but you’re paying for what you get
Brian Thomas: Makes total sense, and I appreciate that. And you’ve obviously got a lot of experience in this space. You talked about that. You have, you know, the app side, dating side or experience side. but you’re, you’re right. At the end of the day, we’re humans.
We’re, when y- we’re connected beings, and the imperfections are what really makes, a relationship work, and you highlighted that, and I thought that was very interesting. But at the end of the day, apps, we’re in this, AI world now, right? This app world where everything is just all about swipes and clicks and likes and, and it’s just, it’s, it’s in- insane.
So I appreciate your insights. Adam, your company is built around a three-day rule success framework. The day before you prepare, the day of, and the day after. Walk us through that approach. What are people getting wrong about how they show up on dates, and what small changes actually move someone from a first date to a real relationship?
Adam Cohen-Aslatei: So this is the secret sauce of matchmaking. So for all of those listeners out there that have used dating apps, the first thing I’ll say is go to threedayrule.com. There’s other matchmaking companies as well. It’s generally free to create a profile, and you may be a match for a client without doing much, right?
You’ll get vetted, you’ll get screened, you’ll get checked, and you could be a great match. So throw your hat in the ring for sure. So thr- at 3 Day Rule, we take a very disciplined approach to dating with intention, and one of the things that I don’t think gets a lot of playtime or a lot of attention is the fact that dating is a skill.
Dating is a skill. When I say this, a lot of, you know, young people roll their eyes. “Okay, I know how to date. I’ve been on a date.” But have you been on a good date? Are you successful at dating? Who’s evaluating those skills? The truth of the matter is we learn to date in three ways. One, from our parents, what we see in our environment.
Two, from the media, right? What you see on television and all those crazy reality shows are not teaching us really good skills, although fun to watch. Um, and three is trial by fire. And so a lot of first dates, I think it’s, the statistic is 80% of first dates don’t go on a second date. So what is wrong? W- is it us?
Is it them? Is it the environment? Like, what is actually the problem here, and why are these dates not getting to date number two? Okay. Enter Three Day Rule. At Three Day Rule, we have a proven approach that has led to 60,000, over 60,000 successful matches, and it’s a process. There’s a method to what we do here, and it is a documentation of what you need to do the day before the date to prepare yourself, the day during the date, how you actively show up, how you engage with a person physically, emotionally, all those characteristics.
And day three, because we don’t want you to be lusting at this date on the date and say, “Yes, this is my dream guy, girl, person,” what have you. We want you to think about it, wait a day, and evaluate it. So to answer your original question, the day before the date, you have a few things to think about And I won’t go through everything because I think it’s a 25-page document, but it’s actually very legible.
So anyone who’s listening and you want our three-day rule guide to successful dating, you can email me and I’ll send it to you. So essentially, it is what you’re gonna do the day before the date. So you need to think about what are your must-haves. The must-haves are things that are core to you. Now, I think dating apps have taught us that we can have infinite must-haves.
You know? And, and some of our clients come to us and say, “Hey, here’s 50 things. I’m paying and I wanna have all these things.” Now, what you want and what you need for a successful relationship are, generally speaking, not always the same. So what are the three core must-haves? When I think about the three core must-haves, a lot of this has to do with values, ambitions, life goals.
Are those things really important to you, and what of those things are really important to you? So for example, if you know that you’re a saver and you wanna save money and you wanna go on trips, and that to you is a value, s- exploring the world with someone else, you’re going to want a counterpart. That is a value that could be a core belief.
Education is another one. You wanna make sure that your children, if you have children, they go to the best colleges and, and what have yous. Then there’s the nice-to-haves. What are things that you would like to see in the person but don’t necessarily need to have? So you like cooking, do they have to be a cook?
You like surfing, do they… So these are sort of pastimes. You can have your own time, and you don’t have to do everything together. So some of these are nice-to-haves, uh, versus need-to-haves. And then there’s the deal breakers. So what are things that are definitely a no? You’ve been down this path. You’ve seen it before.
Absolutely not. So we want you to create those lists, and we want you to choose three must-haves. We want you to think about three or four nice-to-haves and one or two deal breakers if you have them. Okay, so this is some of the, some of the guide. We also need you to think about how you’re showing up on this date.
So how you’re showing up on this date is both emotional, how are you preparing to talk about yourself, and physical. Sometimes we show way too much on the first date physically. Sometimes we don’t show enough. Sometimes we look really reserved. Sometimes our hands are… You guys can’t see me, but sometimes your hands are closed off, and so it gives off closed off energy, so people aren’t likely to wanna engage with you.
So I think body language, what you wear, and what your narrative is of yourself is important. What story do you wanna convey? Okay, I won’t go into all the details, but this is sort of beforehand think about all that. What gets you jazzed? Some people need grounding before a date. Some people need to get energized before a date.
So this guide takes you through how to bring your best self into the date. Um, actually on the date, one of the things that’s really important is the engagement of active listening. So when you’re talking to someone, what do you do with your cellphone? What do you do with your hands? What do you do with your water?
Sometimes you are thinking about something else when you’re… someone’s talking to you. That’s not good. We all do it, but it’s not good. So we have tips how to ground you, how to bring you back into the conversation. By the way, one tip I’ll give you is a glass of cold water. When you find yourself drifting off, take a sip of really ice cold water and put the ice to your teeth.
That’ll ground you back to the center into the conversation. Um, and the other thing is you wanna be engaging in their narrative. So you wanna ask them questions about the story they’re telling you, and then bring in something about yourself into their story. That is the most organic way of having a great conversation.
And then thirdly, and again, there’s more details in our guide, but thirdly is the day after the date. I know we shouldn’t think about an actual checklist, but create a checklist. Do they have your must-haves? Do they have your nice-to-haves? Do they have your de- your deal breakers? If they do, it’s always worth a second date.
Why? Because date number one is very pressure-filled, it’s very one-on-one. And again, keep in mind, most people do not have the skill of dating. You have to know that going in, and give them a bit of grace, and go on a second date and discover them. The relationships that work, guys and gals out there, is the one or are the ones that are slow burns.
Find something physically attractive about them, find three emotional qualities you like about them, and if you find that with no deal breakers, go on a date number two.
Brian Thomas: That’s awesome. Thank you for unpacking all that. It’s gonna help a lot of my listeners that are maybe in that space right now looking to start a relationship.
And, and you’re right, uh, dating is, is something that, uh, is a skill. You can’t just go into this expecting magic to happen. But I, I liked you talking about your must-haves, nice-to-haves, and your deal breakers, and having that list prepared. So, uh, so much to, to unpack there. It’s amazing. And Adam, the last question of the day, if you could briefly share, you sit at the intersection of ancient matchmaking and cutting-edge AI, and you’ve got a front-row seat to how an entire generation connects.
If we look out five years, maybe even 10, how do you see the way people meet and build relationships changing, and how will s- what will separate, I should say, the approaches that create real lasting love from those that just keep people swiping?
Adam Cohen-Aslatei: Again, great question. We have been dating personas for the last 13 years, both our own personas and others.
What I mean by this is on a dating app up until very recently, and I don’t th- even think it’s true of a- all apps, people are not verified. So people could be whoever they wanna be. And while that sounds amazing, it actually is not because people choose to be many times someone who is not themselves.
Physically, you can use someone else’s photos, you can use old photos, you can use airbrush photos. And then emotionally, if you feel like saying X, Y, and Z in your profile’s gonna get you more engagement, you’ll do those things because we’ve learnt how to be rewarded. We learnt what we need to do on this app to get the match or the engagements, the conversations, even though those things might not be true of who we are.
The problem with that is it’s an endorphin rush in the short term. In the long term, you’re wasting literally 13 years on these apps for a 9% success rate. So if you think that’s worth your time, I’m here to tell you it’s absolutely not worth your time. Uh, and so what’s the alternative? So again, at a company like Three Day Rule, the way that we think about matchmaking is we have someone who’s able to understand the person…
Sorry, I have a- Little puppy here. Um, we’re able to understand the person behind the profile, right? And that’s something that no dating app could ever do. So the person, the matchmaker, is getting to understand you, your personality, your chemistry, your intricacies, what you truly care about. They’re also able to understand what you say is truthful and when what you say is maybe not so truthful.
How do they do this? They’re humans, right? We can understand when someone is reserved, when someone’s pausing, when their voice inflection changes, all those human cues plus our lived experience. And so humans do a really good job, matchmakers especially at Three Day Rule, do a very good job at understanding their clients, who they really are, and where that chemistry connects to someone else.
The question is, how do we package this up and make it accessible to millions of singles across the country? Well, I’m excited to say that Three Day Rule has done this. We purchased an AI technology based in Israel, and we’ve launched a Three Day Rule matchmaking app. This app is built on 16 years of Three Day Rule data.
Why is this important? Because matchmakers have one thing, many things, but one big thing that dating apps do not have, and this is called post-date feedback. Once the date occurs, we reach out to both parties and we wanna know, did this date work out, yes or no, and tell us why. We collect all these data points for the last 16 years, over 60,000 successful matches.
And by the way, we also are collecting data on matches that didn’t work because we want… That’s equally valuable. We created our own matchmaker based on AI that’s going to ask you the right questions to lead to the right people, but also is going to interview people and understand their personalities for you.
So when you use the Three Day Rule AI matchmaking app, it’s voice. You’re gonna be talking to it, and it will understand your voice inflection. If your voice inflection changes more than 50% in a response, it’s going to annotate that, flag it basically, and come back and ask you that same question in a different way later on because you may not be telling us the full truth.
And if you’re not telling us the full truth, you’re telling us what you think we want to hear versus what you really wanna say, then we’re not able to successfully match you. The more we truly know who you are, and that’s why matchmaking works, we’re gonna ask you these questions over and over. We’re gonna have conversations over email, over text.
We do the same thing now, but in an app. Now, the way that the app works is once we know enough about you, we’re interviewing people on the app specifically for you, and when we find you a one-to-one match, we’re bringing you that person, and we’re telling you exactly why Julie is a great match for Brian.
Here’s exactly why. And then you can decide if you want to connect and have a conversation. So it’s much more curated. It’s based on much more information, and honestly, it’s a very fun experience. So whether you’re doing the white glove matchmaking with a human matchmaker or the low-touch matchmaking, which is also more anonymous on the app, both work really well, and we’re the only matchmaking company in America to launch an AI matchmaking app, and it has worked extremely well over the last few months.
Brian Thomas: That’s awesome. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Um, you know, you t- talked initially about this world we live in, and everything is… seems to be, uh, less personable, and it’s just, uh… But that’s where that matchmaking comes in, obviously. But I do wanna highlight, since we’re a tech, uh, podcast, that the fact that you are leveraging AI in a positive way, obviously, you wanna improve the app, improve the dating success of individuals across the country, and I think that’s just amazing.
So thank you for your insights today. And Adam, it was such a pleasure having you on today, and I look forward to speaking with you real soon.
Adam Cohen-Aslatei: Thanks so much.
Brian Thomas: You bet. Bye for now.
Adam Cohen-Aslatei Podcast Transcript. Listen to the audio on the guest’s Podcast Page.
